


Marry, Shag or Cliff

by Caeseria



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-05
Updated: 2010-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-09 08:07:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/84878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caeseria/pseuds/Caeseria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hakkai decides to foster group cooperation and togetherness with a short quiz. Havoc ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Marry, Shag or Cliff

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the huge amount of fun we all had recently with the Marry, Shag or Cliff meme. I got to thinking what might happen if the ikkou had to do it...

The sound of Gojyo’s fingertips, drumming impatiently on the wooden tabletop, made Sanzo want to tear his eyes out and throw them at the fucking kappa. 

“What’s the fucking problem, asshole?” Sanzo ground out, refusing to look up from his writing.

Gojyo leaned forward, attempting to see what was written on Sanzo’s piece of paper in such anal, neat, and perfectly straight lettering. “How can it take you forty minutes to pick? I mean, come on, you just gotta put one name under each heading! Even the fucking monkey’s finished.”

“Now, Gojyo, don’t rush Sanzo. If you upset him further, you may get cliffed.” Hakkai pushed his folded piece of paper into the center of the table and sat back, enjoying Gojyo’s look of utter horror.

“Nobody cliffs Sha Gojyo. _Nobody_.”

Goku snorted and placed his folded paper next to Hakkai’s. “I’m done. Can we look yet, Hakkai?”

“We must wait for Sanzo,” Hakkai reminded Goku.

Gojyo attempted another look at Sanzo’s paper. With deliberate care, Sanzo leaned over, grabbed another beer and opened it. He took a sip, looked toward the ceiling, and then crossed out a name, replacing it further down the page.

“For fuck’s sake, you shitty monk, get on with it!” Gojyo shoved a cigarette in his mouth and lit it violently. Hakkai was sure it would snap in half, although surprisingly Gojyo seemed to have control of his smoking habit, if not his temper.

Finally Sanzo folded his paper and he tossed it into the middle of the table, smirking at Gojyo. “I’m done.”

“Hakkai?” Goku was so excited he almost squeaked.

Hakkai smiled at the group. “Shall I do the honors? Just to avoid bloodshed, you understand?”

“Why are we doing this again?” Sanzo asked. In fact, Sanzo was sure there had been a valid reason for this, about six beers ago. Right now he couldn’t remember what it was.

“I thought it would foster a better group dynamic if we all knew how we felt about each other,” Hakkai explained smoothly. “This seemed like a fun way to explore any issues we had.” 

Sanzo stared at Hakkai. Hakkai had his overly cheerful expression on his face, which meant he’d either drunk too much and was trying to hide it, or he had his own ‘issues’ with someone and this was his way of publicly humiliating said person. Sanzo didn’t want to bet money on who it was. Suddenly this didn’t seem like such a good idea and he couldn’t remember why he’d agreed to it.

He was about to formally object before things got out of hand, when Hakuryuu flew down and landed on Hakkai’s shoulder. “_Kyuu_!” the dragon said, and pushed a piece of paper into Hakkai’s hand. The dragon nuzzled Hakkai’s neck and then flew off again.

Surprised, Hakkai opened the note. “Oh dear. _Oh my_.” He looked at the group. “Hakuryuu has also filled out his own form and would like to participate.”

“Great, the flying rat’s involved.” Gojyo sighed and leaned back on his chair, allowing it to balance precariously on the two rear legs.

“C’mon, let’s open ‘em!” Goku grabbed for a piece of paper.

The fan descended with alarming speed out of nowhere, clipping Goku neatly on the ear. “Can it, idiot,” Sanzo yelled. “Hakkai, get on with it before I change my mind.”

Hakkai picked a sheet at random and unfolded it, reading it over with a grin on his face. 

“I have Goku’s answers here.”

“Yay! Read ‘em out!” Goku clapped his hands in excitement.

“Perhaps I should tally the scores and then hand out the totals, to avoid embarrassment?” Hakkai suggested. There was a distinct sign of a blush on his cheeks.

Gojyo leered. “Oh hell no, Hakkai, let’s get to the nitty-gritty.  You started this.”

“Agreed.” Sanzo lit a cigarette with all the enjoyment of someone about to watch a public execution.

Hakkai took a deep breath and glanced at each person. “Very well, Goku says he would marry Sanzo.”

“You fucking pervert!” Sanzo yelled, whacking Goku with the fan once more.

“_Ow_! Sanzo, I was only gonna -”

Hakkai stood up and waited for silence. Once he had everyone’s attention, he held out his hand. “Sanzo, please give me the fan.”

Sanzo huffed and crossed his arms. “Why should I?” he said sulkily.

“Because I can’t be responsible for everyone’s personal safety if you don’t like the answers that are given. I’ll take the gun and the sutra as well, please.”

“Fuck you.”

“I think not. Your weapons, please.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Sanzo said, standing up and leaning towards Hakkai.

Sanzo was obviously trying to stare Hakkai down, but instead it just made it look like he was leaning in for a kiss. Gojyo snorted. He loved subtext.

“Ah hahaha. Please give me the gun and the sutra, now.” Hakkai blinked twice.

“Fine.” After a pause just long enough to show his disapproval, Sanzo handed both over, along with the fan, and sat down again.

This was better than a day at the fair, Gojyo decided. It was a fucking three-ring circus.

“Where was I?” Hakkai said, resuming his seat. “Ah yes, Goku’s list. Marry: Sanzo. Shag: H- er, Hakkai. Cliff: Gojyo.”

“What?” Gojyo leaned forward. “You little monkey-shit, I _said_ nobody cliffs Sha Gojyo!”

Sanzo snorted into his next beer. “Except Goku, apparently.”

Goku looked slightly murderous. “I _told_ ya, ya hairy cockroach, I wouldn’t shag ya if the world was ending and I wouldn’t marry ya, so ya get cliffed!” Goku mimed a pushing gesture with both hands, which Gojyo returned by flipping him the bird.

“Next,” growled Sanzo.

Hakkai pulled the next piece of paper toward him and opened it up, smiling beatifically. “Ah, Hakuryuu’s choices! Let’s see, marry: Hakkai. He’s so sweet, isn’t he?”

“_Kyuu_!”

Gojyo put his head in his hands. “Oh god, I can’t deal with so much sugar. Get it over with.”

“What’s wrong now?” Sanzo glared at Hakkai.

“I’m sorry, I can’t quite make out this drawing, it’s a bit scribbly. Just one moment while I consult with Hakuryuu.” Three sets of eyes followed Hakkai suspiciously over to the bed where Hakuryuu was curled up. There was some debate, and with the help of sign language, eventual agreement.

“Ah, this makes much more sense now,” Hakkai beamed. “Shag: Sanzo.” He held up the paper. “I almost mistook Hakuryuu’s artistic depiction of the sutra in motion as a set of antennae. Ah hahaha, my mistake.”

“And why am I getting shagged by the Jeep?” Sanzo asked.

“I really couldn’t say, Sanzo. Hakuryuu’s personal preference, or perhaps you just smell nice?” Hakkai deadpanned.

Before Sanzo could reply, Gojyo said, “So that’s it, is it? Goku gets cliffed, along with me?”

“Apparently, yes, although it’s hard to make out precisely. I get the impression if there was another category you may well be in it.”

“A category that’s lower than getting cliffed?”

“Yes, Gojyo. However, if it will make you feel better, shall I read my answers out?”

Gojyo sighed and took a mouthful of beer. “Knock yourself out, ‘Kai, it can’t get worse.”

Hakkai cleared his throat and took out his paper. “I would just like to make sure everyone is aware that this is just a simple exercise, and in no way mirrors how I feel about each of you.”

“Bullshit,” Sanzo said. “Read the fucking list.”

“Quite. Well then, marry: Sanzo. Of course this couldn’t actually happen, as he is a monk, but –“

“Crap-cakes, Hakkai! I’m marryin’ Sanzo, you can’t have him!” Goku looked slightly annoyed.

“Give that here.” Gojyo swiped the paper from Hakkai’s slightly shaky hand and looked at the answers. “HA! You get to shag me! I said I was good, no? Monkey, you get cliffed, sorry.”

“Continue.” Sanzo threw the next paper at Hakkai.

“Sanzo’s choice then,” said Hakkai with a nervous look. “Marry: Hakkai. Oh, how lovely, Sanzo, thank you! Shag: Gojyo. Cliff: Goku.”

Sanzo was staring at the ceiling, refusing to look at Goku, or Gojyo. “You’re too young, Goku, you don’t get shagged,” he muttered at the ceiling. “That leaves Gojyo, although I’m sure the hype is way more than the actual experience is worth, not to mention a sore ass.”

Gojyo was about to make a smart comment, but changed his mind. “Hey, Goku? C’mon now, it’s just a game, don’t cry for fuck’s sake!”

“I’m not cryin’, asshole!” Goku bellowed. “I just got something stuck in my eye!”

“Last but not least, Gojyo’s choices,” Hakkai began, trying to keep things under control. “Marry: Hakkai. Ah hahaha, quite obviously it must be for my laundry skills and the fact I can remember where the toilet paper is kept. Shag: Sanzo. Cliff: Goku.”

“You guys all suck,” Goku sulked.

“Don’t sweat it, pipsqueak, I wanted a shot at the monk’s ass, even if it was on paper.” Gojyo leered.

Sanzo leaned forward. “You have a death wish, kappa?”

“You said you’d shag me.  I’ll shag you back.  What’s the big deal?”

“I don’t like your delivery.” Sanzo narrowed his eyes.

“You’ll like my _delivery_ when it arrives, Cherry-chan, more so than Hakkai’s folded laundry, let me tell ya.”

Hakkai stood up abruptly, interrupting the bickering. “I see,” he said in a clipped, dangerous tone.

Sanzo broke eye contact with Gojyo only long enough to glance at Hakkai in surprise.

“I can see I’m only good for household chores, while Goku is clearly too young to do anything at all except wet his diapers.” Hakkai used the ensuing silence like a weapon, glaring first at Gojyo and then Sanzo.

“That’s not what I meant, ‘Kai!” wheedled Gojyo. “I said I’d marry you! What more do you want from me?”

Sanzo sighed and pointed at Gojyo. “For once I’m in agreement with the pervert kappa.”

“Perhaps _sometimes_ it would be nice to just be loved, rather than taken for granted. Perhaps we –“ Hakkai gestured at Goku, “feel that _sometimes_ we are overlooked and our basic needs are not being met.”

“Yeah.” Goku nodded in agreement. “What Hakkai just said.”

“This is fucking ridiculous!” snapped Gojyo, throwing his hands in the air.

“I think I am going to go to bed,” replied Hakkai. “I have a migraine.”

“Me too.” Goku stood up, waiting for Hakkai to make the first move. The door slammed loudly behind the both of them, leaving the room in deathly silence.

Sanzo sighed again. “You got another beer, kappa?”

“Yeah, here.” Gojyo opened the last two beers and passed one along to Sanzo. “How did we end up being the assholes? I got fucking cliffed twice.”

“At least you aren’t married to the bastards. I get to listen to the nagging later and will probably get privileges withheld for an unspecified length of time.” Sanzo downed his beer morosely and stood up. “Fuck this, I’m gonna go sleep on the couch.”

“I got room in here for ya,” Gojyo suggested with a leer.

“Fuck off.”

“No problem. Enjoy your backache tomorrow, then, it’ll go nicely with Hakkai and Goku’s headache and pissy attitude.”

Sanzo glared. “I’m too tired to fucking argue with you. Later.”

Gojyo ground out his cigarette in the ashtray. “Fucking dysfunctional family, that’s what we are,” he muttered to himself. “I would have never had believed it until tonight.” 

He sighed deeply and rested his head on his crossed arms, deciding it was probably safer to sleep here, so he could be ready when the real yelling started in earnest tomorrow morning.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Lighter Highway (The Cliff, Shag, and Marry Remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/186436) by [inksheddings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inksheddings/pseuds/inksheddings)




End file.
